Searching for a hobby

By Deacon Mike Manno

(The Wanderer) – I’ve decided I need a hobby.

Well, it’s not like I never had one before, it’s just that the things I liked to do weren’t suited for a retirement-aged gentleman. I had a real fun hobby several decades ago. I took up auto racing, took a driving class, which qualified me for an SCCA license, and bought a little Formula Vee racing car. I did that for about nine years, and four broken bones.

When I quit, that I wrote two mystery novels. In my first I killed a nun. The culprit was caught and a new romance blossomed between a ditzy young reporter with a good heart and the state police detective who solved the case. I moved them to a new venue for the second book and all was going well.

Then I decided to become a deacon. My law practice, teaching, and becoming a deacon left little time to develop a good new hobby, so I spent more time reading…not mysteries, mind you, but history, religion, and politics.

Then I had my stroke and lost my ability to read, and drive, in case I ever wanted to go back to the racing route. My service at church has been a bit limited, too. I can no longer read the Gospel or lead the Prayers of the Faithful; the priest and the lector do that for me. I’m toying with the idea of trying a homily again, but the eyes still aren’t letting me read my notes.

Now my wife, Luanne, has a great hobby. We remodeled our basement a few years back and put in a room for her to do her crafting. She goes down there for hours of enjoyable crafting. We call it her craft cave.

So what do I do? Well, as you know I’m a news junkie and can still write; I can’t read what I write but Luanne happily (I hope) does a fine job of editing and reading my words back to me.

So how to I combine all this into a new hobby? Simple. I’m going to start drafting impeachment articles for self-amusement. I think that will work for me and calm some of my frustration. I know it has in the past: One of the deans I worked for really got me out of joint and out of a job. I translated his name to German and killed him off in the first chapter of Book 3 which is still under construction – work in progress, we call it. Maybe I haven’t got it finished because the beginning was so satisfying.

Anyway, I thought I’d start with the president, the Devout Joe Biden. I’ve thought about forgetting the impeachment and trying him for heresy, but I thought a book about that would be too narrow to attract a publisher, so I’m settling for impeachment.

Now there are a lot of things I can throw into impeachment articles for Mr. Biden, and I hope they will be more substantial than those used for Mr. Trump, or even for Mr. Clinton.

Of course, the first obstacle is his understudy. I remember the joke that went around when Mr. Bush I was president. It went something like this: If anything happened to him the Secret Service was to shoot Dan Quayle. Of course it wasn’t true and there is nothing to suggest that Mr. Quayle would not have made a fine president. But Kamala?

Well, that’s a problem right off the bat, and maybe that is why the Republicans in Congress have not tried it already. Now we’ve never impeached a vice president before, although history does produce some fine examples that might have been worthy of such an honor, and I don’t think inappropriate giggling would be the proper grounds for such an action.

So I think to myself, can they both be impeached in the same proceeding? Now that would be an interesting topic to explore. I should look that up, but then poor Luanne would have to leave her cave to read all the research to me. That probably wouldn’t work very well. Besides she is so fun to be around when she gets her regular craft-cave fix.

So maybe this won’t work as I wanted it to, so I think I should think of impeaching a lower official. Perhaps St. Nancy. Of course this presents another problem. The Constitution allows for the impeachment of any officer of the government. Members of Congress are not considered “officers” of the government, and while they can be removed by the house in which they sit (House or Senate), they cannot be impeached.

But hold on a second. The speaker of the House holds a constitutional office in the government and is third in line for the presidency. Might that count? But that would require more research and I don’t know how long I can keep Luanne from her cave.

Okay, if all else is failing, how about some cabinet officials? They certainly are fair game. The attorney general, Mr. Garland, might be a good place to start. There are some nefarious activities going on in the justice department — I know, I’m a lawyer. People complaining about their kids’ schools would love to take him on. That may be a good place to start.

But wait. If I write something about that would the FBI come to “visit” me? Would I ever see Luanne again? Then how would I read? Scratch that.

Now I might be pretty safe impeaching the secretary of Homeland Security, Mr. Mayorkas. He’s opened the border to just about anyone who wants to come. I’m suspecting I might have found some fertile ground here, especially since I haven’t ridden a horse since Boy Scout camp when I was 13. Those horses are probably dead by now anyway.

That would provide me with a hobby that would truly give me some satisfaction.

I’m now starting to think a little too much. After all, if we get rid of the secretary, who would replace him? Why, the same person who already gave us this guy, only this time it might be worse, much worse. The new appointees could even be real Communists this time, not just those who only play one on television.

Maybe this won’t work like I planned. Wonder what kind of vision SCCA requires to give me my license back?

(You can reach Mike at: DeaconMike@q.com and listen to him every Thursday morning at 9:30 on Faith On Trial on IowaCatholicRadio.com.)